One of the most important things I’ve learned through my time at Pachamama Tributes is that grief doesn’t work on a set schedule. No matter how much we wish there were a clear path to follow, the truth is that every person’s journey through grief is unique. For some, scattering a loved one’s ashes may feel right within days or weeks. For others, it could take months or even years. And here’s the thing: that’s okay.
I’ve spoken with many families who feel pressure to “move on” or complete the process of saying goodbye within a certain time frame. Some worry that they’re taking too long to release the ashes or to organize a memorial. But if there’s one message I can share from what I’ve learned, it’s this: grief doesn’t have a deadline. You have permission to go at your own pace, and it’s essential to honor what feels right for you.
1. Grief is Not Linear—It’s a Journey
One of the common misconceptions about grief is that it follows a linear path: first comes sadness, then acceptance, and eventually, healing. But in reality, grief is much more unpredictable. There will be days when you feel strong and ready to take the next step, followed by days when the weight of loss feels as heavy as ever.
And that’s normal. Your feelings will fluctuate, and there’s no right or wrong way to grieve. Some people are ready to scatter ashes soon after the funeral because it brings them peace, while others feel a deep need to hold onto the ashes until they’re emotionally prepared for the final goodbye. I’ve worked with families who waited years before they felt ready to let go, and I’ve seen how that patience allowed them to fully process their grief in a way that felt genuine.
2. Let Go of External Expectations
It’s easy to feel like you’re being judged for how long it’s taking to “move on,” especially when friends, coworkers, or even well-meaning family members offer advice like “it’s time to let go.” But this decision is entirely yours, and no one else can tell you when the right time is.
I’ve had families share stories of feeling rushed to scatter ashes because they felt they were “supposed to.” But once we talked through their emotions, many realized that what they truly needed was more time to process their feelings before taking that step. There’s no expiration date on grief, and it’s important to let go of the idea that you need to conform to anyone else’s expectations.
If holding onto the ashes brings you comfort, or if you’re not yet ready for a ceremony, give yourself the space to feel what you need to feel. It’s okay to take as long as you need.
3. The Importance of Emotional Readiness
A big part of deciding when to scatter ashes is recognizing whether or not you’re emotionally ready. This isn’t something that can be rushed, and it’s perfectly valid to not feel ready even months or years after your loved one has passed.
Here are a few things to ask yourself:
- Do I feel at peace with the idea of letting go? If thinking about scattering the ashes brings a sense of peace or closure, it may be a sign that you’re ready.
- Am I doing this because I want to, or because I feel I have to? If the decision is driven by pressure or external expectations, it may be worth pausing to reflect on what you truly feel.
- Am I emotionally prepared for this step? It’s okay to feel sadness or uncertainty, but if the idea of scattering the ashes feels overwhelming or distressing, it may mean you need more time.
One family I worked with shared how they kept their loved one’s ashes in their home for several years before they felt ready to plan a memorial. When the time finally came, they felt fully present and at peace, knowing they had processed their grief on their own terms. That’s the kind of emotional readiness that matters—not a timeline set by others, but a sense of inner peace.
4. Creating Space for Reflection
If you’re feeling unsure about whether or not you’re ready to scatter the ashes, it can be helpful to create moments of reflection. Take time to sit with your feelings, talk with loved ones, or even engage in small rituals that help you connect with the memory of your loved one without committing to a final ceremony just yet.
Here are a few ways to reflect:
- Write in a journal about your feelings. Sometimes, getting the emotions out on paper helps bring clarity to what you need.
- Create a temporary altar with a photo or favorite object of your loved one. Light a candle or play a song that reminds you of them. This small act can offer comfort and give you a space to reflect without pressure.
- Talk to someone who understands. Whether it’s a family member, a friend, or a grief counselor, sometimes sharing your feelings can help you figure out where you are in your journey.
Remember, these moments of reflection don’t have to lead directly to a decision. They’re simply tools to help you understand your feelings more deeply.
5. Finding the Right Moment for You
When the time is right, you’ll feel it. It may not come with a grand revelation, but often, there’s a quiet sense of readiness. It might be triggered by a special date, a place that feels meaningful, or simply waking up one day and feeling that you’re ready to let go.
There’s no rush. One family I worked with told me how they chose to scatter the ashes on their loved one’s birthday, several years after their passing. They felt it was a moment that celebrated their life, and the timing just felt right for everyone involved. It became a beautiful and healing experience.
Whenever that moment comes for you—whether it’s months, a year, or more after their passing—trust that it’s the right time because it’s your time.
At Pachamama Tributes, I’ve learned that grief doesn’t follow a schedule, and there’s no right way to say goodbye. Whether you need more time or feel ready now, it’s important to listen to yourself and honor your journey. The decision to scatter ashes is one of the final acts of love you can give, and it should be done when it feels meaningful to you.
Take your time. You’ll know when the moment feels right.