In my time working with Pachamama Tributes, I've had the privilege of helping families navigate the delicate and emotional process of saying goodbye. One of the most profound steps in this journey is deciding when and how to scatter a loved one’s ashes. It’s not an easy decision, and I’ve learned through personal experience and from the stories shared with me that there’s no “right” timeline—only what feels right for you.
Grief is complex and unpredictable, and sometimes we hold onto the ashes for longer than we might have expected, unsure of when the time will feel right to let go. If you find yourself in that space, where you’re unsure if you're ready, I want to offer a few gentle ways to explore your feelings and, hopefully, find peace in this process.
Here are a few thoughts and reflections that may help guide you, just as they've helped others I've worked with through Pachamama.
1. Tuning into Your Feelings: A Moment of Reflection
One of the first things I often suggest to families is to check in with themselves. Sometimes, we get so caught up in the busyness of life or the expectations of others that we forget to ask ourselves: How do I really feel about letting go?
Here’s something simple you can do:
Find a quiet spot—maybe in nature, or simply somewhere peaceful at home—and close your eyes. Take a few deep breaths and let your thoughts settle. Now, picture the moment when you release the ashes. Where are you? Who’s with you? How do you feel in that moment?
- Is there a sense of peace, or maybe relief?
- Or do you feel hesitation, maybe a knot in your stomach or a sense that something’s not ready yet?
This exercise can be really helpful. It’s okay if you don’t feel ready. Sometimes, just acknowledging where you are emotionally is the first step toward understanding what you need.
2. Writing a Letter to Your Loved One
One thing that’s always resonated with me is how powerful writing can be when we’re processing grief. A lot of families have found it helpful to sit down and write a letter to their loved one, especially when they're unsure if they’re ready to release the ashes.
Here’s an idea you could try:
Grab a notebook or a piece of paper, and find a moment when you’re feeling reflective. Imagine you’re sitting with your loved one, and just write to them. You might start with something like:
“Dear [Name], I’ve been thinking about when to scatter your ashes. It’s been hard to know if I’m ready, but here’s how I’m feeling…”
Write without worrying about how it sounds. This is just for you. You might write about your memories, your grief, or even why it feels hard to let go. When you’re done, take a breath and read back what you’ve written. You might find that this helps bring clarity. Sometimes, expressing what’s on your heart helps you feel more at peace with whatever decision you make.
3. Creating a Small Ritual as a Step Forward
Over the years, I’ve seen how much healing can come from simple, meaningful rituals. For those who aren’t quite ready to release the ashes yet but want to honor their loved one in some way, creating a small ritual can be a beautiful step forward.
Here are a few ideas:
- Plant a Tree or Flower: Sometimes, planting something in memory of your loved one can help you feel connected, while still holding onto the ashes. It can be a symbol of growth and life, something you can nurture while you’re preparing for the eventual release.
- Light a Candle: Find a quiet evening, light a candle in their memory, and take a moment to reflect. You could play their favorite song, look through photos, or just sit in silence. This doesn’t have to be a big event—just a small, personal way to honor their memory and check in with your emotions.
- Create a Memory Jar: This is something I’ve seen families do together, and it’s incredibly touching. Write down memories, thoughts, or even little notes you wish you could share with your loved one. Place them in a jar or box. It can be a comforting way to keep their memory alive while you work through your emotions.
4. It's Okay to Take Your Time
One thing I’ve learned from working with families is that there’s absolutely no rush to release ashes. It’s okay to wait. There’s no deadline, and you don’t need to feel guilty if you’re not ready. Grief moves at its own pace, and it’s important to honor that.
If you’re feeling pressure, either from others or from yourself, take a step back and give yourself permission to wait. The ashes will be there when the time is right, and when that moment comes, you’ll know. There’s no rulebook for this, only what feels right for you.
On the other hand, if you’ve done some of these reflections and you feel a quiet sense of readiness—trust that. When families I’ve worked with finally feel ready to scatter ashes, they often describe it as a mix of sadness and peace, which is a sign that the time is right. It’s okay if tears come, or if you feel a bit of heaviness. That’s part of the process, and it’s also part of the healing.
5. Books That Can Help Along the Way
Sometimes, reading about others’ experiences with grief can bring a lot of comfort. If you’re looking for something to help guide you through this emotional journey, here are a few books that I’ve seen bring peace to families over the years:
- "Healing After Loss" by Martha W. Hickman – It offers short, daily reflections that can gently guide you through grief.
- "The Year of Magical Thinking" by Joan Didion – A powerful memoir about loss and the complicated emotions that come with it.
- "On Grief and Grieving" by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross and David Kessler – This classic explores the stages of grief and how to move through them.
These books are gentle companions, offering support and validation for whatever you may be feeling.
In the end, I believe that the decision to release ashes is one that comes from the heart. You’ll know when the time feels right, and until then, it’s perfectly okay to take the time you need to reflect, heal, and prepare.
At Pachamama Tributes, we’re here to support you in whatever way you need. Whether you’re ready now or months from now, we’re here to help you create a meaningful, beautiful farewell when the moment is right.